workings

So, here I am in the blog that few read...that's a good thing because I can just say what ai need to say and not too many people will tell me about it.
I've been very busy lately. Not so you would notice...not in a running around kind of way. I've been busy in an inside kind of way. Doing my work, so to speak. Working my program and all. It became painfully apparent lately, that I needed to do that. Not that I thought I wasn't, but I was missing a few pieces of the puzzle. Pieces that made things fit. Like, I had slipped back into some nasty codependent behaviour patterns and they were making me nuts for months but, I only just figured out what the hell was going on. I thought it was them, not me. So silly. I forgot that the only person I can change is me. I let all the chaos back into my life. It had been so long, years and years, that I forgot what it looked like. I forgot how to say no and not give excuses or feel guilty. I remember now. I felt really stupid for forgetting these things. But, then, the people I let catch me up in the chaos don't know any other way. And the first few times, were times I thought were really things I needed to do. For me and for them. And then, it fell apart and I fell head long into the chaos and craziness.
I'm back and I'm okay. Tonight, one of the main characters in the craziness said, *I have bad news for our group!* The look on his face was serious! So, we asked, *What?* He said, *Our barista is leaving!*
Okay, so she's a good barista. But, let's face it, it's a deadend job. So, she's leaving. She's a barista. She's not the only one and she's training replacements. Not a big deal. We told him so. He was crushed. And pissed. Oh, well. Yep. I'm back. I'm a mean old bitch and I practise my ways. Usually, I enjoy it too. I have to be careful because I can enjoy it a little too much. I forget to be compassionate as well as a mean old bitch. No blood, no bandaid.

And then there was the first meeting of the book study that started tonight. Since many of the people are new, it was decided that we would study The Spiral Dance. Give them a nice solid start. It gave me a good dose of frustration. Yep, I was pissed at most of them. They either didn't read the first chapter, couldn't comprehend what they read or had no opinion on it. Or, all of the above. Everyone had the book. Everyone professes to being able to read. I have *book talks* with 5 year olds! Granted, there aren't any pictures to stimulate conversation, but, I was hoping we wouldn't need them. It was frustrating because some peoplewanted to discuss the book and others were having their won converstaions and they kept moving in and out of the conversation. No staying on track. I really didn't want to set this up as a leader/class situation. I wanted it to be more informal. Does that have to mean chaotic? We'll see how it goes but, I think we may need to rethink this or talk about behaviour. Cause they all said they wanted to do this and the folks who didn't own the book bought it...even though they didn't read it. So...do they? Cause it only works if we read the book before we try to talk about it.